Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
