I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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