I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
