she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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