I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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