two words: eviction party
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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