Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
