The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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