omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
