My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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