i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
