He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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