If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
