Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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