Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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