u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
