im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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