The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
