I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
