Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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