he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
