Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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