we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
