I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
