the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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