Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
