ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
