my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
