Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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