Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
