They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
