sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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