so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
