I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
