is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
