Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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