totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I can't turn off my feet"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
