Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
