i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
