ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
