In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
