I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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