My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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