Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
