I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
