I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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