I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
