Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
