I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
