you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
