im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
