i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
