I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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