I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
whose ass print is on the piano?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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