guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
